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Astro role call! What your astrological sign says about you to ME!

One way I see the signs is kind of like as siblings in birth order in a family. Pisces being the eldest child and Aries being the baby of the family so let’s start there. If you love me so much that you're reading this and have no idea what you're sign is, just know it's the astrological sign the sun was in when you were born. I have the dates next to each sign.

1. Aries 3/21-4/19

Fire baby! Ok, almost every time I tell an Aries they’re fiery they wrinkle their nose and shyly say “not really”. Srsly? You don’t fool me Aries. Ever. Aries are super manipulative, LOL! Kidding! However, most Aries have probably already slammed their computers shut and vowed to never read my blog again, so now that they’re no longer here, let’s dish!

Honestly most people think Leo is about leadership but actually Aries is our true leader! And, if you’re from a big family look around, who’s always calling the shots? That’s right, The BABY of the family. They’re just cuter and more interesting and are used to getting all of that attention because their parents are older and better off financially. Cute little Aries!

Also, like the baby and also like FIRE itself they can be temperamental. That’s usually where I get them, I say “yeah, but if someone COMPLETELY ticks you off you don’t take that shit do you?” at which point their faces light up, they straighten up their spines and shout a resounding “HELL NO!”

Aries is all about courage and you definitely want an Aries around when shit goes down. Aries can also be a DRAMA magnet which I love because I love me some drama and in general I love me some Aries, mainly because they’re also very direct and I love people who never leave me wondering where I stand.

2. Taurus 4/20-5/20

Earthy Taurus. This one is simple, think of an actual bull and also think of a 2 year old. A bull is either standing calmly in a field gently chewing grass (but only organic because they’re super damn picky about what they eat, wear, drive, etc.! Only the BEST for Taurus).

Or else you have brought them a non-organic GMO laden apple to eat and they are in an INSTANT charging across the field and there’s no stopping them once they’re in that mode! Kind of like when you take a cookie away from a 2yr old.

This works to their benefit as well. Want a project done quickly and perfectly without a bunch of chatty collaborative bullshit (see what I did there?) Taurus is the one. Taurus is stubborn and I LOVE that! Why? I tend to waffle and take into account other’s opinions to a fault and it’s Taurus who leans over and says “WHY do you care about what they think?”

Taurus can also seek a false sense of security to the point where they stagnate. I have a good Taurus friend who dates a Pisces and this is perfect because Pisces will lead them into the river where if they’re willing to go with the flow they can connect to their tribe on a much larger level, but maybe not TOO far and maybe in a BOAT, and what’s with this fish tribe, where’s my languid green pasture and my organic apples?


Finally, Taurus seeks peace and usually quiet as well. That said, I’m always honored by a Taurus who lets me into their world with all my chatty airy Aquarius ramblings & when I’m around earthy Taurus it is usually me who feels like a bull in a china shop.

3. Gemini 5/21-6/20

Airy Gemini. The twins or as I like to call them Jekyll and Hyde, again when I say that TO a Gemini (like my Mother) they say “I’m not really like that am I?” OMG! Give me a break Gemini. Here’s the deal, honestly no one makes me feel better than a good old-fashioned Gemini.

They are warm, open minded, curious about life and phenomenal communicators, which makes them amazing bosses, Moms and friends, etc.

Now, go ahead, piss them off, I dare you. They don’t charge across the field like Taurus, remember they’re 3 now and 3yo’s frown upon 2yo antics. So, they’ll just say “Ok, sounds great!” and their NEXT comment will cut you to the bone.

How do they do this? Because, they’re the most perceptive sign, also their brains are like a bee hive always buzzing. This can cause them to be jumpy, nervous and overly chatty.

These are also the insomniacs of the zodiac. Turn to the nearest Gemini right now and ask them how much sleep they get a night to see if I’m right.

Now, back to their biting remarks. Why would a sweet accepting Gemini hurt you? Here’s why, they have huge ass hearts. They let the entire world into their heart and give you all the love they know to give and if you step on their huge ass hearts look out! But, if you’re cruel enough to hurt a Gemini you deserve what you get. (I got your back Mom!)

4. Cancer 6/21-7/22

Watery Cancer. If you haven’t caught on by now every sign is either a sign of earth, air, fire or water. I’m pretty sure Cancerian water is comprised of their silent sensitive tears. In fact I’m struggling with how to write about them without hurting their FEELINGS?

When I submit myself to quality hang time with Cancer I find myself asking if they simply MUST express every feeling while they’re feeling it in order to better process their feelings? And, my favorite is when they turn to you and ask how YOU feel about THEIR feelings! But, take caution many Cancers like to stuff their feelings behind a hardened shell.

Here’s why I NEED a good Cancer in my life, because they’re about connectedness. I’m an aloof somewhat detached Aquarius and Cancer comes along and says “you NEED friends so here I am!”

They’re also about safety and security. Have a headache? Cancer comes over with a handful of Advil & some slightly warmed soymilk just how they know you like it and asks if there’s anything you need to talk about. Also, Cancer is the most imaginative.

Where would we be without the Cancers of the world? We’d probably all be sitting around reading the dictionary for fun.

However, Cancer needs to watch taking on the Mother role in their relationships (even male Cancers). All that doting and caretaking can cause you to want to retreat deeper into your shell or break out of your shell in a fast escape.

Cancer, ask YOURSELF what do YOU want?

5. Leo 7/23-8/22

The fire starter. Just picture a Lion, golden mane blazing in the wind. Go to a Leo’s insta account and you will find the most selfies. Leo is center stage, creative, artistic, sexy as hell! Ok, is it a little warm in here or is it just me? King (or Queen) of the jungle, everything centers around Leo.

Leo is 5 now and think about a 5yo, that’s usually when we’ve completely formed our little personalities and it’s all very “Mom, LOOK what I can do!”

Leo is also about ego expression, these are our actors and CEO’s, or at the very least that person at the party that has most of the rest of the party standing around them hanging on every word. If you’re a Leo definitely form a cult and I WILL join it.

Now, where could a Leo possibly go wrong? While expression of ego can be quite healthy this is not so when it leads them to pride. In fact, they’re pride can cause them to lose their pride (if you missed that, a group of lions is called a pride, keep up people!)

You would also think they would be temperamental but since I’ve dated a bunch of Leos I will tell you they don’t usually waste time arguing.

They are the KING of their jungle, piss them off and they just saunter off to go find a section of the jungle where they will be treated like the royalty they know they are, no big deal. And, being someone who hates a big dramatic breakup, I personally love this about them!

6. Virgo 8/23-9/22

Earth Angel Virgo. Ermahgerd! Srsly, I just want to be a Virgo when I grow up. Why are Virgo’s always kvetching about how people be dissing on their astro sign? WHO doesn’t wanna be a Virgo? They are all about perfecting something, but I think this is commonly misunderstood.

They’re not on your ass because they think something’s wrong with you. They actually are all about perfecting something so that maximum healing can take place. In other words, if you have the flu and your house is a damned mess how you gonna get better in all that filth?

They’re also “take you under their wing” kind of people which some might find to be controlling especially if you’re a Leo because Virgo forgot that this is YOUR jungle.

Virgos can be self-limiting in their striving for perfection, however Virgos are awesome and if anyone tells you otherwise have them come see ME about it (I actually won’t do anything about it but I know a Taurus who will!).

You probably find that Aries people either love you or hate you and think about it, what does the 6yo do with the baby of the family? They put them in a doll dress, shove them awkwardly in a stroller and walk around the neighborhood telling everyone that THIS is their new baby. Aries would see this as either you introducing them to the world or you being possessive of them. Either way, rock on Virgo!

7. Libra 9/23-10/22

Light as air Libra. Libra is all about being nice and sweet and making sure everyone is comfortable and happy and balanced. Ugh! Cut the crap Libra! Ok, I have a TON of Libra in my chart so I’m not going to sugar coat this, the thing is, constantly considering how everyone else is feeling can leave poor Libra exhausted.

While they strive to find balance they’re usually out of balance just like the rest of us. And, if you need a project completed by the end of the hour do not give it to a Libra who needs another 24 hours to tweak it and tweak it and tweak it because it’s never quite right.

They are usually drop dead gorgeous, even a plain Jane Libra (is there such a thing?) still has something about them that makes you stop and forget what you were doing when they walked by.

They’re all about partnerships and make super stellar partners, which makes my dark and twisty Aquarius panties get all bunched up because honestly I’m just jelly.

There, I said it. While I want to BE a Virgo, I want to SEEM like a Libra if that makes sense. I don’t want to actually have to be that nice all the time I just want to be able to fake it better.

Libra, I salute you because you are NOT faking the nice, you ARE the nice! And, if you have any makeover tips for me for the new year bring them on. A Libra will give you pointers without making you feel small and this makes them amazing teachers.

8. Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Deep six Scorpio (Deep six is a naval term for water that is deeper than the leadline can measure). Dunh Dunh, Dunh Dunh, dun dun dun dun dun dun. If you’re so young you’ve never seen Jaws I just lost you sorry! Yeah, here’s how I see Scorpio. Scorpio’s feelings are like a big ‘ol shark lurking at the bottom of the ocean.

Thoughts, emotions, actions all float down to the bottom and feed the shark and that shark grows bigger and bigger over time. GO AHEAD and swim down into the abyss and poke that shark in the eye and see what happens!

All of their acute perceptions (they are super psychic) and opinions and revelations about you both good and bad will come rushing up out of the water just like a great white shark and CHOMP!

However, maybe you didn’t need your right leg anymore? And, by right leg I mean maybe you’ve been feeding yourself a bunch of lies for a long time and it’s killing you. Scorpio comes along and shows you your truth. Usually a truth you didn’t even know was there. Scorpios will blow your mind like that. Even though the truth can sting can’t it?

They’re also the most trustworthy sign. Scorpios are secretive so who can you most trust with your secrets?

Scorpios are also all about self-knowledge but spending too much time in self-analysis can lead to moodiness. But, usually when they seem intense and aloof they’re just putting all of the pieces together so that they can be at the ready when you decide it’s time to solve the puzzle of your life.

9. Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Another fire starter. Ok, every Sag (pronounced “saj” because no one can freaking spell Sagittarius repeatedly in a blog without wanting to kill themselves), anyway, EVERY Sag reading this has been like enough already what about ME? I’ve NEVER met a Sag that wasn’t like “my sign is the BEST sign!” In fact, most just skipped right to their section.

Think about 9 year olds, they’re usually optimistic good little helpers and proud as punch about their latest Crayola doodle. Sag’s are pure ADVENTURE!

They’re also about faith and truth, but more their own truth, ain’t nobody gonna tell a Sag they suck, because people who don’t like Sag’s are the ones who REALLY suck!

I have several Sag’s in my life and when I see them coming even if it’s from half a mile away I just start smiling. How could you not?

They also need to understand that while YES they are the smartest and the bestest (we know we know!) there are other ways to see the world and you just aren’t always right, dammit Sag HEAR ME on this! But, they aren’t listening, while I was typing that they drifted off into “Maybe I’ll go to Indonesia this year, I heard there’s a volcano there full of sulphuric acid, let me google that, oh I’m SORRY were you saying something about me not always being right?”

Sag, you know I LOVE you now stop pouting and book a flight for the both of us to Jakarta!

Where does Sag energy go awry? They tend to over extend themselves to the point of personal exhaustion and even poor health. They frequently can get quite cranky when you insinuate this because they don’t see it as over extension. They see themselves as just being willing to help 24/7.

I have a good example of a typical Sag move. I called up a Sag friend at 2am because I had a creepy guy on my front lawn (long story), she picked up the phone on the 2nd ring and said “you never call me at 2am which means I’m on my way to your house, be there in 3 minutes”. That’s a sag for you! Therefore, it’s up to the rest of us to not run our beloved Sag’s into the ground.

10. Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Earthy Capricorn. A Capricorn broke my heart once about a thousand times and a Capricorn would understand that statement perfectly. Why? Because Capricorn is an ace at understanding things that are complicated.

Capricorn is literally a sea goat, now what kind of sense does that make? A Capricorn is all about hard work and lording their authority over others (ok, I’m still a little bitter so this might not go well, I apologize in advance sweet Capricorns!).

As I type this, the sun is in Capricorn because it is NYE. I can tell you I’ve gotten more shit done in the past week than maybe all year. That’s Capricorn in a nutshell because they know how to git ‘er done!

Honestly, if you thought I was jealous of Libra I think I have the most ULTIMATE jealousy of Capricorn. Capricorn sees what they want and goes and gets it and not in a take charge way like Taurus and not in a flashy “look at me aren’t you entranced?” way like Leo and not in a sneaky sexy Scorpio way (I can tell the Scorpios are brooding because I didn’t mention their magical sex powers when I wrote about them and I did that on purpose because honestly Scorpios need to be brought down a notch).

Capricorn’s way is more like “Hey girl, I see you sitting there all alone girl, do you need someone to keep you company girl?”, because I’ve read the ENTIRE Human Resources manual and I know it’s ok for me to ask you out because we work in the same department but at the same level so if it’s ok with you can we go on a date but just know that when I become your boss and I WILL become your boss then one of us will have to transfer out of the department and that someone will most likely be you but that’s cool because I’m going to use my ambition as a vehicle to make 6 figures one day as a freaking US Senator and I will provide for you ok girl? (ok, secretly admit I just nailed it!)

I digress. The sea goat is about self-control and can seem like an emotional block of ice even as their life goes up in flames. The thing is sweet Capricorn, that steely inner resolve can lead to a life of loneliness.

Maybe the next time you decide to read the entire human resources manual invite a friend to keep you company as you do so, and perhaps after an hour or so that friend will suggest a movie and just like that you’re socializing in a way that doesn’t have anything to do with your ambition. I KNEW you could do it!


Airhead Aquarius THAT’S ME! Ok, sit the fuck down Sagittarius for just one minute because THIS is the best sign! My favorite quote about Aquarius EVER is that “Aquarius is eccentric, and they are also the only sign who doesn’t see being called eccentric as an insult.” YES! If the zodiac is Alice in Wonderland then Aquarius is The Mad Hatter.

In fact, notice that I just broke away from the family birth order analogy and just haphazardly launched into an Alice in Wonderland analogy just for Aquarius. Who does that? An Aquarius that’s who!

Einstein was an Aquarius and I imagine the Dr. (Doc) Emmett Brown with his magic DeLorean in ‘Back to the Future’ was too, and that’s fortunate because Aquarius is ALL about the future.

Do not give precious family heirlooms to an Aquarius, we will stare at them on a shelf for a month or so then next month you’ll find we’ve sold them to purchase a Roomba that doubles as a dog barking translator that can tell you what your dog is really saying when it barks and that those barks are saying “I hate this stupid Roomba!” and we will find that to be HILARIOUS.

Top 3 things people say to me when they’re frustrated:

  1. You laugh inappropriately at inappropriate times for inappropriate reasons.

  2. Are you listening to me?Where did you go just now? (Most likely I went Astral planing but you’re always shocked when I can still repeat everything you just said verbatim).

  3. You didn’t follow the instructions AT ALL (never mind that in my opinion I created something way better than your incredibly un-evolved project idea called for, you know, something I just knew you REALLY wanted when you said you wanted that other thing, you didn’t REALLY want it done that other way did you? Why would you because you know that other way was ridiculous right? Why aren’t you proud of me? Why are you yelling? Why am I being fired???)

What’s Aquarius’ problem? Here’s the kicker, we can be so staunchly stubbornly revolutionary that we can grow so weary of being told our bold ideas are wrong that we just give up and try to blend in like a chameleon.

We see it differently but if we step on your ego with an idea you wish you’d thought of first you call us crazy and while we know we aren’t the crazy ones we retreat because like the Mad Hatter we LOVE a good party and we fear being alone.

Why do we fear being alone? Because, our favorite thing is to lead others to greater awareness and you can’t help others if you’re alone. So, find a way to be unapologetically yourself and SPEAK UP Aquarius, you’re here to CHANGE the world!

12. Pisces 2/19-3/20

Watery Pisces. Pisces is either an alcoholic or Jesus or BOTH. That’s all. Just KIDDING but not really! Only a mystical Pisces would laugh at that joke. In fact Pisces being last is perfect, they’re the only sign who doesn’t care that they had to read all that other crap to get to them.

They’re laid back and go with the flow. Also, they’re all about community so they wanted to read all of that so that they can better understand the people so that they can better get ‘the people’ together.

Probably a Pisces invented the Myers-Briggs personality test so that they could figure everyone out and help them all get along because it’s all about peace, love and understanding right? That’s a mystic for you.

Pisces is all about consciousness and observing themselves as they observe everything else in order to better observe their reactions to their observations. Are you dizzy yet? Pisces isn’t.

However, it’s this kind of thinking that causes our fish friends to also enjoy dabbling in altered states of consciousness including meditation, yoga & drinking 5 Red Bulls in one sitting.

They can overindulge because they love escapism and the dreamy world of their higher minds (which can sometimes lead them to want to get HIGHER if you know what I’m saying?).

If there’s someone in the world that can bring the world together it’s a Pisces and everyone loves them for it, they seek understanding and add on a heaping dose of compassion and maybe a case of beer and they will lead us all to a greater salvation, JUST maybe don’t let them drive ok?

Did some of these explanations (though genius and hilarious) make NO SENSE for you personally? Are you a disorganized Virgo, a lazy Capricorn, a dull Aquarius (ok, like there’s NO way!), a feisty mouthy Libra, a shy Leo, an Aries that hates to lead, a chatty Taurus, a Scorpio who wears their heart on their sleeve, a Sag that hates to do new things, a Pisces who hates people, an incommunicative Gemini, or a Cancer who doesn’t feel?

Evolutionary Astrology can explain this.

Evolutionary Astrology cares more about what sign your Pluto and nodes to the moon are in while Natal Astrology focuses more on your sun sign.

If you’ve noticed that you’ve grown and changed over the years and are wondering how does your sun sign account for that, well quite frankly it doesn’t.

Evolutionary Astrology is about understanding what your soul is trying to learn throughout time. And, once you learn certain lessons we can move on to the rest of your chart for more clarity and guidance.

For instance, I’m an Aquarius with several Libra placements in my chart which makes me bold and revolutionary but really scared to tell you about that because I don’t want to weird you out or hurt your feelings which can make me feel super conflicted and ultimately stalled in my personal growth.

Understanding such things has helped me to grow exponentially unless you’re using the exponent of Zero (a Pisces actually told me that joke!). Contact me today for a reading if you want to learn more.

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